And so, farewell.

Another sort of stinky day that found us at each other’s throats again. Ended alright. Things are wierd, it seems, for everyone.

We’re about to have another war. What w/the financial situation we’re told it’s the only feasible way – @ least according to those that decide for us what is “right & what is wrong.” At least, that seems to be the pattern throughout our history; if we get involved in another war the economy shoots up because folks are making bucks again.

I am uptight as hell & irritable. Very irritable. It seems pretty wierd to me that Danny should remark about being alone. Sometimes I feel that way pretty strenously myself.

January 20

At least they are consistent in their hypocrisy (sp). I received another of “those” letters from my parents today. I am very full of venom right now & think it best to rely on the writing rather than being verbal. The one good thing is that I now have Sally’s note & feel the bond between us is necessary to us both. Seems our tie was stonger than either of us knew. I remember telling her once that we were sisters in a past life. She’s still on the trip it sounds like. No matter how much I am forced to learn because of my own trip I know it’s the highest one for me. I know that they feel bitter & sad & frustrated because I’m not high their way. The worst thing though is the trip w/Amy & her “folks.” I’d give a hell of a lot to have heard her voice for an instant let alone a whole fucking conversation!! And they reiterate that I can come see them and of course “I love you,” and though I’m sure they do in their way, it’s not my way, at least not any way I can accept! What did Dee say last night? Something about turning it around…the big shot wouldn’t accept or condone her trip so she turned it around & said, “Well, I don’t condone or accept your trip, sir!” I have to pay my karmic debts. I’m certainly paying this time. The whole thing centers on my family’s trip, which Dee says is key in my chart.

Well…the sun is making all of this above challenge seem ridiculous. Think I’ll sit in Danny’s lap.

Man Woman – a poem

I rise early with the sun.

I toil behind the horse & plow.

My muscles grow hard.

I am virile.

I am the trunk of the tree.

I rise early to feed you.

I milk & bake & garden for your growing.

My skin in lined & hardened.

I am fertile.

I am the waters.

I fight amidst the blood of man.

I kill & have known fear.

My solitudes have been victorious.

I am strength.

I am the fire at dawn & sunset.

I weep for joy & life unmastered.

I kill…but only for love.

My learning is with the heart.

I am solace.

I am the cool spring wind.

We are a gentle touching.

We are growth & knowledge.

We breathe the essence.

We are tomorrow.

We are the hour & eon.

January 28th

I’ve just spent four days at my leisure & it is, indeed, the necessary element needed to maintain my equilibrium. Arnie & Annie came back w/a crash & a clatter w/no changes in their trip as far as I can see. Annie has reverted back to being subjected to Arnie’s whims and fancies, which means hiding her compassion from the kids. Arnie & I “had it out…” I’m no competition for a talker like he is, though I’m pretty good sometimes. I understand more than I did, which makes it harder because I can’t “side” w/Annie now, not totally. Arnie’s manifestation of his trip is a bummer though, regardless of his explanations.

Turned very cold night before last. Logan & Deborah brought their truck out Saturday night & stayed Saturday & Sunday nights w/us. We smoked a lot of dope & had a couple of good feeds. Will be so super to have our own trip started. Yesterday was sunny & cold; a beautiful oceanic high day. We went to lots of junk stores & loaded up on stuff. I found the buy of the year! A table loom for $8.50 & I talked the lady down to $5! Talk about being in the right place at the right time!

This morning was totally fucked as far as I’m concerned; at least w/Dan. Outside is glorious & I guess I should be grateful to him for being such a complete asshole because it sent me scurrying right after I got up. It snowed last night & it made me so high I couldn’t sleep. Then, I had to pee & the house was totally jammed w/goddam smoke so I was coughing my head off. It started out ok but then he got his head bent out of shape about me being the one that chooses when we get up! As far as I know I just get up! I get tired of laying in bed waiting for him to wake up & decide whether or not he’s going to make love to me. I suppose I should discuss it w/him but as I haven’t felt like screwing lately, it’s better to just get on up. And he wants a small bus! I wake up shitty enough at times; I guess he’s entitled to his shithead attitude too. Bet he smokes like a chimney today! Anyway, the words were great this morning. I started to wake up and hang the wash out, but then I saw some pink in the East & decided to make a run for the meadow in hopes of catching the sunrise. I didn’t make it, but it was worth the run anyway. Even the baby trees were dusted w/about a quarter inch of snow. Now the sky is stretching blue & yellow & grey in the NE & is really grey in the SE so perhaps we’ll have more snow. I’d love that! Wonder if it snowed in Newport? Called Sally Bormann in Phoenix last week after Mom’s letter. She sounded the same & I’m awfully glad I called. I despise the thing in myself that makes me leave w/o a trace. Leave people who truly care w/o a hint & dangling until they finally forget or get bitter. It used to be because I was afraid they’d be disappointed or disapprove! Now that’s an interesting correlation! Old Buddah Buddah is curled up @ my feet on the pillow w/his paw tucked over his eyes & nose as if it were  too bright for him & he needs to keep out the light. Well, if the sun comes out, it’ll melt then freeze again tonight. Why do humans sometimes wish they were somewhere else, doing something completely different? I just flashed on a beautiful villa somewhere warm & me in a soft, long, billowy dress. Breakfast on the patio w/someone who adores me. Well, taken all in all, the reality isn’t any too bad either. I just don’t know how I’d relate to absolute wealth – monetary wealth that is. I’m pretty well endowed w/the other kind. At least, I usually feel that I am. Today is all wierded out now & I am not going to scrape & bow or apologize since I didn’t do anything.

Wouldn’t it be a mind blower if it got so cold we couldn’t survive w/o the fire going?

(This is my silent conversation w/Daniel, who is being hostile & “Le Emerich” @ his most dramatic. The Sufferer. The Vengance of Dracula! Casey strikes out! When can I decently get out of here is the question? I won’t speak first. It has to come from him,!)

February 3, 1975

Imagine, that 8 years ago on Feb. 1st, I had my second child! I don’t feel any of my past, if the truth were known. Not even two years ago. I still feel last February though it, too, is beginning to take on the edge of unreality.

If it wasn’t such a drag to drag this pen across the paper, I could have started a book by now. Sounds pompous. I could do it. I’m not exactly ordinary, after all…”the least of these” or something to the effect that we are all one.

I have a hero. I have a place (astrological symbol for Earth). The hero comes from another place (planet). Earth has demolished itself & this takes place in the new age of conciousness. Don’t want a heavy spiritual rap. Want it subtle but definitely fantasy-fiction. Can wrap it up as a place of the mind. That there is no reality in the now. Need a name for hero. Standing in the Sun too fol-de-rol-ly. Need a Yin/Yang name. Lots of descriptions of the new Earth!

February 4, 1975

Woke up depressed & released some repressed energy in tears. All in all it’s been a thoroughly satisfying day. Went to town w/Danny. He’s working @ the Castle now (far out!) as a carpenter. I met the folks who own it. She’s like Linda in Arizona only older. She’s 35 & cute & nice. I really had a good rap w/her. It’s nice to talk to someone my own age once in awhile. Had lunch w/Judy @ The Center, then talked to Hawthorne for a minute about the bus. I think we’re going to get it! Maybe not. But I’ll just betcha we do! Spent lots of time w/Logan & Debbie. It’s great. They haven’t been here much but it feels homey. It’s so neat to be able to space into the ocean. On my days off I like to have as little input from other people’s energy as possible. I’m starting to get into myself now; you can’t do that surrounded, & having to deal w/, other people. Danny’s never in the way – well, almost never. Anyway, I’ve really appreciated being able to get into my own space today. Started a short story & worked on Roguey’s chart some more. Been a stoney day. Can’t wait until I can tell Danny what Bob said about the bus! We get to see it tomorrow! It makes me incredibly high that we’re actually getting started…and…if Hawthorne comes through, Robert that is, except I think that Hawthorne is a far out name for a guy. Except it would put him through some changes, the baby boy I mean. If we ever do have a kid, I hope we can come up w/a name he’ll like too.

Tide is coming in. The sea is the green of winter emeralds today; rough w/5′ breakers , but easy & feminine. Like an Amazon. The moon is in Sagittarius now. I still wonder sometimes about Mercury’s energy being a downer trip for me. I always know when the moon is in Scorpio or Aires because of the energy trip that happens to me. Part of that I suppose is because of my old ways of thinking. My concious is probably programmed behind my old (& I guess still present) way of attributing my bummers to Scorpio & Aires moon phases.

The ocean is so beautiful. I must stop now & watch it for awhile. Love!

February 5th

Sitting in the Center of all places. Listening to the rap from the next booth. Danny & I…oh fuck! Dan acted like a perfect ass this morning & it doesn’t matter @ all. He’ll be fine by tonight; over his paranoia vibes about getting to work on time! Yek! So, I’m here cooling my heels until noon so I can go to work w/the Aardvaarks. Wrote to Bonnie & Bob this a.m. & sent part of the rent. Hope it gets there. Started the “Starfish Curiosity” book yesterday. Sounds ok! Enjoyed class last night. Seems winter has set in. Wish I could sell the stereo…should have tried @ Christmas. Maybe Bonnie & Bernie will buy it. Probably can’t afford it, but then, who can “afford” anything. Guess I’m in a fucked mood.

February 8th  Capricorn Moon

This has been a quiet day. Perhaps I’m trying to soothe my wounds (self-inflicted?) but I’m laid back today. Been playing music & grooving through the day. Clean house now. Worked on Rufus for a long time. Keep thinking that Laurie (Mit’s lady) told me that Roger asked how Ruf was, but that he also said that if I didn’t want him, he’d take him back. Hah! Very subtle there, Roger, very subtle. Anyway, I got Rufus’ hair trip together.

How can I live on two levels? There’s my concious & my mundane self – dueling alot lately. Been reading “Country Women.” The “Cycles” issue. I really liked some of the articles. I seem to be so hung up in the make-a-baby-mill. I’d love a baby. I’m pretty sure Dan & I are going to make the long haul. It’s easier w/him then ever before. I’m feeling pretty secure in our relationship. Wonder why I don’t manifest that more? Here I am, writing all these words & my minds is tripping on a thousand other paths. My heart loves the someone else inside of me.

The windows are so dirty the greens are turning yellow on the trees & the sky is dirtier than the earth.

Did an egg for Deborah. I’ve been having some very heavy sexual vibes lately. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on but I have certainly been stimulated lately. Which is also why I felt wounded this morning. Last night was a scene out of Lucretia Borgia. I wanted to make love, & not just him climbing on me. Laid there w/my muscles tense & my ankles crossed to get him off! I wanted him to caress me, to run his fingers up & down my arms, so lightly. So much light to share. I think I said last night, “the smell of my armpits turns me on!” I don’t think I grossed him out. I can’t imagine what the ivory princess did to him but he’s not easy & relaxed w/sex. Is he gay? Sometimes, I just love to fuck…not w/just anyone but, the part of me that is sexual is groovy & beautiful & a gift to be enjoyed & manifested! Not shut up tight in shame. I like telling him I want him. Just wish he’d respond. Wouldn’t it be wierd if someone straight read this. They’d call me a whore. Poor folks. You can’t tell them. Their plane is theirs to live in. I can’t make any adjustments to the things coming down on me because I need the knowledge in order to be the total of what I am…that’s how it works!

Feb. 9th

When I woke up this morning it took a long time for my mind to come into my body. I must have been a long way off. It was a pleasant waking in a way. Didn’t sleep well. Troubled by disturbing dreams…the old jealousy ones. I am not one of those totally liberated women who accept anything & everything. My concious awakening & birth has not worked on that area of my psyche. The wounds are, perhaps, too deeply rooted in my subconcious. I’m getting acquainted w/myself as a woman. I’ve discovered that most of the time I am beautiful to look at &, as that conciousness grows, I feel more self-confident than ever before. I feel so good being 31. I feel alive & aware & even fascinating sometimes. All in all I’m glad I was unaware of what I looked like for so long. I can remember thinking once or twice that I was pretty, but most of the time I felt overwhelmingly grateful for a compliment or any sort of attention. Now I’m grateful that my flowering waited until this time of my life. I look forward to my growing; to more awakening.

The light this morning is yellow through raindrops. The earth seems earnest, waking up. When Dan finally went to work, I felt close to him because I released my burden & told him why I was subdued. I think we’ll work it out. I’m sure of it. I am constantly amazed @ how well we get along & how easily, once the problem is presented, we seem to solve it, & work w/it until it’s molded to suit us both. I’m glad I decided to keep this journal even though I don’t write half of what I think about.  Perhaps some glimmer of what I’m experiencing “in my prime” will shine through.

Valentines’ Day

I’ve finally realized that I don’t hurry very much anymore. Not only that, but I resent having to! I’ve worked my life around to a place that purposely allows me to do exactly what I want, when I want. Thoughts of my Amy this morning. The usual tug & accompanying ache. I wonder why I didn’t realize that the main thing people feel when that hear that she’s w/her father & that I relinquished her, is disgust. Up to now I’ve rationalized verbally to try to ease their discomfort & shock. Especially when I mention her after they’ve come to know & like me. I can’t imagine introducing myself: “Hi! I’m Patricia & I gave my child to her father legally when she was 8 years old.” I guess if it bugs them it’s their problem. I love her & accept the fact that she’s where she is because it was necessary for her to be there. How I’d love to see her, though. I know they’re afraid I’d pull a deal like John did & she’d disappear, just like he did to me. I’ve evolved out of first grade folks.

Man – the sun is stretching out. So much rain this week but a beautiful winter this year. Tomorrow we’re going to walk up to the meadow & look at skunk cabbage. We found a big swampy patch of them last fall, huge old things. I think they are beautiful.

Can’t forget to feed the rabbits. Brittybrought is getting friendlier, I think. Dan misses feeding them. This working 8 to 6 is really hard on him. Says his hands are sore to the bone.

Going to do a Valentine’s trip today. Love giving presents.

Really enjoyed my talk w/Emily the other day in the Bay Haven. I always thought she was older by a couple of years, but she’s my age. I guess I’ve made some huge leaps this year out in the country. Don’t see how I could ever make it in the city/suburbs again.

Yesterday I woke while it was still dark, though near first light. I watched the pearl dawn slowly open. The Shiva tree outside (so called because it has big branches that look like arms from the loft window, &, it dances). It was slowly moving to an air melody. Beautiful laying there with the window wide open & feeling in the center of my womanhood. A bird sang, the first of the day & I jumped up and flew out into the pearl to greet the day.  I do feel my womanliness & my beauty now, today. Not just looks, but inside, in my being. I’m a 31 year old middle class college drop out w/a good looking physical self & a getting better & better psychological one. Regrets? Ha! Not one. Not today.

Happy Days. . . wonder what I’ll get for Valentines Day> He sure liked the shirt I made for him.

February 17, 1975  Moon in Taurus

Just reread this first atempt at journalizing. Seemed very amaturish & doesn’t read well. I sound conceited & piggy. Too many flowery adjectives, not enough different words. Feel despondent & upset today. Dan venting his spleen on the animals again. He tried to make up, but I wasn’t having any…seemed like such a sham. Felt really rebellious (sp) & still do this a.m., even after making love. God damn it! He acts as if he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said! I truly love him. I truly appreciate the beauty of our trip together, but our sex life is pretty much a fuckup as far as I’m concerned. Any time I make an advance, he starts either giggling & jumping all over (fun for awhile, but w/repitition it starts to hurt) & I have to roll over & just go to sleep. I am really trying to be fair about this, to see his side. It’s not something I feel comfortable asking for advice about…talking to him…he doesn’t understand! I feel sluggish some mornings & don’t want to fuck…he’s tired @ night & doesn’t want to then, but fucks me anyway, regardless & then I can’t hurt him by saying “No!” Maybe I should though, because I’m getting frustrated as hell. God damn it! Why can’t a guy realise that he can learn from a goddamn lady as much as she can learn from him? OH FUCK! I keep thinking I should be grateful, because our life is good together; better than anything I’ve experienced before. I am me & that’s ok w/him. I’m sure he has many frustrations & disappointments about me…probably more than I have about him, but, even so! Shit. I’m worthless today. Totally worthless.

February 20

Despondent now for two days. It is hard for me to deal w/right now as well. I feel…what do I feel? Scattered, alone (though Danny couldn’t be more understanding), outside of myself. My physical self is going through the motions, like pushing the gas pedal down right now, almost automatically, while my spirit/mind pushes & pulls & leaves me feeling like a silly putty stamp of a Beetle Baily cartoon.

It snowed this morning. The sun is shining now. Usually, I’d be so up because of the weather. Wish I understood my cycles more.

February 26 Moon in Leo

Out to the shed this morning around 10:30. So warm out & sun shiney again. Am so overflowing w/excitement right now…Brittybrough had her first litter today. Ther are seven living baby rabbits, the eighth I found in Fiver’s cage. Felt so awful because we had nothing prepared for her. I found a tall wooden box, cut a door in it. Cleaned all three cages so she can exercise @ will. Dear God I hope she can take care of them. They must have been born in the night because she had them all cleaned up. The one in Fiver’s cage wasn’t stiff yet. I put all new straw down for her &, oh Lordy! – I moved the babies. I didn’t touch them except w/the straw. Had to use a cage cleaner but wanted to be sure Fiver or the cats couldn’t get at them. As it is I’m worried about the cats. Finally decided to move Fiver to his old cage near the house until Brittybrought settles down a bit. The babies are all greay/black, and look just like baby kittens, except that their ears look like almond halves instead of being tiny like kitten ears. Oh! I hope they make it alright! Please God. Even if we are limited in our time here, we can move them. Can hardly wait for Danny to come home! What a lovely day!

February 27

Bill (Burley) is coming. It’s exciting because I am very flattered by his feelings for me & also by the fact that I think he’s satisfied to keep it platonic. I would love to be friends w/him because he’s fun, in his scholarly way. I like him. It’s amazing as well to see that I can do this – have the feelings that say “I want to be friends but not at the cost of my relationship w/Danny”, which to me means not being w/another dude sexually. I’m not into that because I know I’d totally freak out if Danny did it to me. I still feel jealous when he even mentions Sierra Vista. I have an incredible memory for those kinds of facts. I started to feel funny (resentment) vibes when that girl came into the store & said she was from Sierra Vista. I even asked her if she knew of Broken Arrow Ranch, for god’s sake!  I realize that I could have sex w/someone else now…& love them…and not feel any differently about Danny or Danny & me, but I’m not willing to go the same route for him. If he suggested such a thing I’d be so fucking pissed! So…no go for me either. It’s too bad I was so damned warped female-wise when I was a girl. No wonder I was insecure & screwing @ 16! Anybody who’s grandfather exposed himself to you in a nasty, dirty way – “touch it, Sweetie! Now put your mouth on it, Sweetie” Then, PUSH! and you gag & run to tell Mommy – your brand new Mommy – that Ossie hurt you & how “he pulled a wiener out of his pants & told me to touch it & put it in my mouth & then he…” And then, WACK! you’re falling down a flight of stairs from the smack. Then new Mommy & new Nannie are yelling & screaming @ you & they look like hate & they feel like hate. Or the time they caught me masturbating & it was Doctor Time! I remember being held down w/my legs spread by “Daddy” while Mommy shoved the big suppository up my tiny cunt.

Sigh.

Annie & Arnie sold the store. A few facts here to change the subject. Had a great time w/Ed & Roguey Sat. night @ Salishan, though the food was only fair. Takes ages to make a place like that, no imitation paneling & real Danish modern furniture. A real botched posh job, I thought. We were the grooviest people there.

Got my clogs. Danny likes them too. Bonnie & Bob were here Sunday. We have to be out in two weeks! That’s putting me through some changes. Didn’t go to class Tuesday. Didn’t assimilate either. Am doing eggs. Roguey is going to put them in the bookstore.

Glad I’m a woman! Glad I’m me! Glad I’m “beautiful!”

Dear Someone – Please write me a love letter. I’m starved. lamb

…on How to feel non-existent w/friends & lovers…

They used a nail instead of a fingertip to etch an initial on my dusty hurt. Insensitive to the things I could not say in front of colts & goddesses, they left me to my tears & three year horrors to have a mile wide hamburger…so I’m spending my ticket to the zoo & eating all the trail mix.

Note: take care of me when my bubbles break…signed: Dan.

The next bits are all quotes, starting with the Song of St. Francis by Mikos Kazantzakis, easily Googled, it speaks to Brother Wind and Sister Water, Brother Fire and Mother/Sister Earth. I share a birthday with St. Francis, October 4th.

Upinshads: “That moves & That moves not; That is far and the same is near; That is within all this & That also is outside all this.”

October 1974

“True gravity is a universal force, an ethical imperative, & an overwhelming spiritual experience. True gravity is intentional. That is, once you enter these realms you cannot will any result arbitrarily; you must learn to join your will to the emerging will of God, or to put it another way, you must place yourself in ecological harmony w/the awakening world, not the “old-static-dying-world” but to the “next manifesting place” as it develops in & around you.”  Golf in the Kingdom by Michael Murphey

and….

“imagine the stars beneath your feet…

“the greatest breakthrough is (sic) taking your own sweet time to reach the goal, be it par or enlightenment, working all the while w/the attitude that any sudden opening comes like Grace, that it is given when the time is ripe & not before. (The greatest breakthrough is taking forever.)

“There is a deeper self that thrives on the craziness of this teeming world that sees every breakdown as an opening to the original crazy shimmering dance, to the eternal explosion of the sun in the night, to the floating worlds all around.” Note: There is a drawing here of a small smile with two dots above it for eyes.

I raised my eyes.

In the gully was

the stained glass presence

of the sun

pinpointing autumn leaves

Amazing the energy flow

from the edge of a leaf…

A closer study reveals a vein

throbbing in a photosynthetic wrist

Tendrils releasing the whole

of the cosmos in a space of

released now.

….He was doin’ some highspeed flourescent drivin’ into the sun.

….stoned on quiet & the sizzling brush of ashes in the stove pipe.

Jeff’s House

Jeff’s house has old windows

and a wicker chair on the porch.

Jeff’s house has winding stairs

and places to hide.

Jeff’s house has a lady

in the warm room.

Jeff’s house has spaces

filled to the brim

with the great molecule.

Next, there are two notes, written 1/3/75 and 1/28/75 indicating that I was then in the habit of reading back in the journal and commenting. The first note says simply, “UK!” indicating with an arrow and exclamation points, the previous poem, Jeff’s House. The arrow moves across to the other page and a note was written on 1/28: Sometimes I am so thrilled w/my own drivel that I actually show it to people. That’s what’s called revealing yourself – & badly.

January 13, 1975     Star Route 2 Box 118 Toledo, Oregon 97891

A kind of ominus/omnibus day really…dreadful even. Strange how living in the world of “Now” can make me very unhappy sometimes. Dan’s sick now. Took over my cold; very dispirited. So often I see myself as such a naiive child, playing at life. I knew it was coming…things had been so mellow for so long & for some reason when that happens the cosmic forces say, “ok, Toots – work for it!” Can one be happy all the time? I suppose so, once we reach the point where there’s nothing else to be learned anyway. I can’t even reiterate the scene today – it’s all gone… I just stayed stoned most of the day so I could be objective. Mostly I was paranoid & insecure. Really have grown attached to the storeroom though; at the store…I can shut the door & just sit sort of quietly w/the herbs & grains & beans & the clatter & clank of voices from the restaurant. Held Diane Skamser’s baby today…I want one too much, like those ladies I used to read about in Redbook who wanted a child so badly. Maybe I should feel fortunate that I am free of fetters. One good thing – another – I confronted Scott. I said something like “how can two people who were once so close & such good friends, just not be? To the extent that they just say “hi” & give a passing glance?” He said that it all happens as it should…it was good to talk to him until he got off on the Ba’hai trip, which I can dig, too, except it makes him seem so lonely. That’s my interpretation.

I don’t know what to do about this other trip/bummer that fell in today. @ least I had a response from him. On Dec. 11th I wrote what I thought was a reasonable letter to John & Sharon. I really didn’t expect any response. Today he wrote to Ms. Patricia Lynn Shelton Martin Pecharich Copley Westlund Shelton. The “letter” said, “Pat, Re your letter of Dec. 11th…Nuts…John.” Now wasn’t that charming? I suppose that means that I’m supposed to be mortified & suffer for years & years because of my unforgiveable crime. I can understand how he feels (totally unforgiving) but the thing that hurts is that it looks like I’ll see Amy when Amy wants to see me. Part of me wants to write fuck-you-buddy to him, or send him a copy of Be Here Now or a pint of blood or something; part of me wants to call a lawyer & do all kinds of things I’d regret later, so I guess I’ll just wait & think about it for awhile…maybe write Jeff Ouderkirk a letter. Everyone says Amy won’t forget me or stop loving me. I just want to feel her. It’s so hard not being a part of her life now. Of all the mortal paradoxes this one has me baffled.

I think I have arthritis in my left hand. It hurts most of the time now. Should do some disciplinary trip or other to get rid of the discomfort, but it’s hard when you’re w/someone else. Dan’s not really into the diet trip – he’s just into food, & any kind, at that. Today was bozo. Wierd.

With NCG here in the warmth, the quiet; a Dvorak (?) sypmphony to soothe. There is an odd hesitancy about me today, though I’ve gotten a good deal done; all of what I’d planned. Went w/N to Otter Rock & left one job behind. My fears of hurting Dora were totally absurd, of course. She was most encouraging. It was an added boon to have my dear N w/me – just in case. I am such a coward sometimes. Now, I will work at Otter Crest, managing banquets, & hopefully endure the longer hours. A tedious job, making my real work secondary once again. Ah! It Hurts Me!

Ann & Mark are here. Hugging her is an experience w/her baby in the forefront. She’s radiant…reading Thom & M’s letter. We are, all four of us, enjoying tea & the soda bread that N made. Emily stopped by a moment ago, too, so the day is acknowledged as a special one indeed.

Danny came.

Pamela came. Is still here.

N is still here, hostessing w/me.

2:30 p.m.

The visiting stream seems to have abated. Going to go check my mail then come home to my cool bed & rest for an hour or so. Then, hopefully, after all of this lovely encouragement, fly on w/my swan’s wing…then on into the night.

February 8 – 6:30 a.m.

I had a good night’s sleep alone last night. It is hard for me to say that I need space to W, though I know that it doesn’t disturb him unless, probably, I’m not truthful w/him. As it was, I sort of hemmed & hawed, erred & ahhed.

Worked on my swan until 10 last night, then got so nervous & irritable I had to stop. Felt hungry all day yesterday, too – sort of odd – & couldn’t eat much.

The sky is lighting to the East. Feels good to be up so early & watching. My thoughts all a-jumble w/too many varied notions to try to sort out this early. Got right up at 6, or maybe it was closer to 5:30 – none of the clocks in here know what time it is for certain.

No dreams tht I can recall last night. The night before I dreamed of Diego walking toward me in a nimbus of light. Also dreamed of horror: my mother’s hair on fire & I was running away from fire towers & steam in fierce jets coming from the earth. Always w/ these there is the sense of surity in myself; strength & control. Pray that I can do that!

Ah! The Sky! The Sky! There is a wall of night to the south….I’m for a walk!

7:15 a.m.

Went over to see W asleep. Left him one of those idiotic notes of mine. Can’t always think of the thing to say & don’t want to be effusive today, somehow. Especially after I’ve been enjoying myself alone so well. I must start getting up early – it’s such a good time of day to write. Have to make my Valentines soon…lots to make this year.

Feeling the financial squeeze shits again dammit! Oh well. Work! Work! Work!

Marcia (Moses) & I have exchanged four letters in two weeks! Not bad.

10:3o p.m.

W has just told me that he thinks I am superficial. That I care too much about the way I look. That my idea of pretty is “wrong”; here, he cited my refusal to wear glasses: why am I more concerned w/the way I look than the ability to see? He had his fingers up to his eyes forming triangles around them, and then he asked me harsly, repeating twice: “can you see my eyes? can you see my eyes?” When I responded ( My Truth!) Damn! he said he wasn’t going to argue w/me, he was going to bed.

So many feelings! He talks about the lights going out & terror ridden streets; the chances of survival…I say that I am not afraid, that I accept what comes. He tells me of his power, that he will survive. I see curls of smoke near his ears, fire & power in his eyes. He thinks I cannot see! If only he knew how good my eyes really are! How I see potential, images past & ahead. When I said to him that I would probably die quickly, but that I would go out in a blaze, he said maybe & probably I would die! I wanted to tell him about my dreams but he’d just shrug & hem…”Well….”

So, then…how do I feel about this? I feel men’s gazes – then I thought, “but when they know me well, they don’t think I’m pretty all the time…because I”M NOT!!  I sense that the thing that most attracts them, that captures their attention most, is my looks.  So many people tell me I’m beautiful, but, I don’t know that always. I am not confident, always, or strong! What Walter said hurts because it means that I have, again, to deal w/that thing that is in me that says, “Shriek! What if it’s over?” Of course, I know that it can be over, that I can make it w/o W. I’ve said recently that he is coarse. I’ve said it here & to Dennis M. just this afternoon.

Am so afraid sometimes. I feel my strengths growing, my awareness. I know that I am to be tested many times before it ends. I can accept that I may live to be an old woman in this life…and perhaps, also, that it is doubtful that I will. There is a place beyond. It is mental & lies in a conscious state of awareness. It is highly ordered.

Today DM told me that the pilot whales are beaching themselves in Florida; that efforts to stop them have been entirely futile; that they perhaps have a type of brain parasite that renders their sonar useless; that they are probably guide whales: where they go, others follow. He called these times apocalyptic. I agree. Talking to him makes me feel sane.

Don’t know what to say about Walter. He has hurt me, though I still respect his honesty & his right, also, as a human person, thereby part of me, to his own opinion. I am sure that I will seek reinforcement now, because, I, too, am human – though spacey.

Diego & I were in Moses Village Cafe together, an accidental meeting. The love is spirit. Diego said that I was like Jon Anthony in that I am so intense. Funny that. Though I don’t think I feel defensive the minute I open my mouth. Am I? When I said, “Am I, Diego?” he smiled to his eye brim, full of light, full of love, & he said, “yes!” Oh my. He is so beautiful to look at. Has a quiet sympathy that understands the “looks” trip. He is assumed to be much that he isn’t because he looks so good & doesn’t ever hesitate to say how he feels.

W makes me mad. He is vain, too. He is such a paradox sometimes. I feel his power eating me – his laughter, his king’s scowl, his dominion. I am superficially self-protective. The parts of me that make up the whole most certainly must include the superficial part though. I think I’m just too intense for superficiality.

Superficial intensity?

Is this the passing of yet another love then?

February 9 - 8 p.m.

Wounded. Healing. Folded in friends’ arms & not explaining. Explaining to the close few: Em, Judy, Darly. Asking for strength from each in a new way. Thoughts all day entwined w/ W’s. Picturing his fear & gloom this morning when he apologized. I said I didn’t know whether I believe in his love, or not! Sleepy at 5 a.m. & concerned for him yet not allowing myself to be absorbed by his hurting.

Today Dennis & I went to Grandfather (a huge, ancient spruce tree on the slough on theYaquina, cut down in the 90′s). Dar was the perfect accompanist to my need to see Grandfather. He is so toweringly pure – my tree – mine? No, the ages. But, I love him, rever him, need him, fear for his death. I’ve never loved a tree like this. He speaks to me! I walked ahead of Dennis & spoke to Grandfather quietly of my sorrow & hurting, w/my forehead against his soft, green, thick, moss. Not looking for sympathy. I was amazed at DM’s relaxed understanding; his detachment & respect. He was the perfect companion.

Em has just left & I feel better, though no surer of myself than before of anything but the sound of the wind chasing around the house, protecting me, making me wonder where W is & what the outcome of all these differences will be. No more tonight. My mind needs emptying & the Valentines are waiting to be finished.

February 10, 1977

W’s face was so full of fear when I opened the door to him that I was a bit overwhelmed. Frustration! Damn! I don’t see how I can continue w/in the framework of this relationship. I don’t know what to do about it – talking doesn’t seem to help. He doesn’t respond to my statements. I can’t tell him I don’t love him because I do, yet I feel that he thinks of love, this love, so differently from the way I feel about it. I am NOT satisfied sexually; feel thwarted because of it. Why is there so much hesitance in his lovemaking? Last night I masturbated in bed w/him snoring beside me. I wanted to ask him to caress me, to touch me inside, & I can’t. I feel stoppered because I fear hurting him – godammit! What I am to do w/myself now? I cannot bear hurting people. Know the time comes when there is no choice at all, but what about these trapped feelings – caged – in a relationship I only enjoy sometimes; when he showers me w/attention. He said once that I must tell him what pleases me. I have, but it changes nothing. He expects to sleep w/me, then he sits w/his wine, his beer & his fat belly……..

Then there are those times when he is so beautiful to me that I tremble. I love the human beingness of us all s0….

Am I so “sophisticated/refined” that I can’t find anyone to compliment me, that I can feel free w/? Oh piss. I’m making no sense. Thoughts are a horrid jumble. I want to run away. W is security for me now & I know it. I don’t feel sophisticated & refined. I pretend I am.

Feb 11

It’s as if, suddently, when one realizes the romance is gone, that you discover yourself cast upon the waters, adrift, because of your own self-consciousness.

I seem dull & numb this morning though my mind is actively churning w/here & there. I know that W is braking hard right now, which is absolutely the wrong thing for him to do, w/me, at this point. It’s as if I must do for him – accept his taciturn ways, his lack of verbalization, his set-in-his-ways-itis, yet he cannot woo me now because of his fear. Am I to tell him that if he continues, if he is boring, then, I’m gone? Struggle so w/myself right now, my sense of right/wrong, wrong/right. It is better to huddle here w/in my walls & wait & see what the next turnings will be. If only he talked to me more.

The whole thing w/Norma & Jeffo last night was so ridiculous. Two babies slapping, Norma’s frustrations growing behind her, then she climbed behind a veil of tears. She should have peeled him back to his bones. They dance around the non-essential argument when what they really want to do is fight it out. They seemed like such little children w/Jeff in his brat role foremost.

Then Rick came over & surprised me. Another frightened (?) yet game, young man. I like him a good deal.

Relationships. Are they all the same for me? Dead end streets? Am I too romantic? Too expectant of the impossible? Continuing sparkles…Maybe I can’t love. Fuck.

Noon

dispair seeping around my edges…the loneliness….rejection…my inability to communicate w/understanding & sympathy. the hurting goes on, goes away, comes back again…waves to the shore. I am that huge black log, the tiny slip of straw tossed carelessly to the beach, pulled back again – out of myself. I pull myself up short – say “Whoa!” All the talk of desparation creates it fourfold.

The whistle blows. It’s noon. The grey & the rain soothe me. I think of rabbits, the daisy meadow in Siletz, my irritation at my pants being too long & how, really, I am too lazy to hem them up.

Self-disust. Self-distruct.

Did I alienate N too much by not chasing after her tears? Was my rationalization, that she is stronger than Jeff, false? Does she, perhaps, have more desparate needs than he does?

1 pm

Pamela! Saved again. She reminds me to remind myself of my karma; to make sure I don’t hurt anyone unnecessarily, as I almost did Daneli by being weak, needing his support & strength instead of relying on my own; & Rick, too, by flirting w/him, coming on to him when it is probably just sexual…though who knows. NOT ME!!

Pamela says: “Well maybe it’s time for a change & this is where you are now for a reason” & other sensible things.

My strength comes from myself not from W’s money or things. From my evolved self. My awarenesses, my longing to be a realized soul. I get hung up in personalities/emotions & forget the…

3:15 pm

interruptions……

Pamela & I, discussing various personalities, started talking about this Jeff person. Ten minutes after she left, he came over for the first time. Then Normal (all is well) w/more information (a warning: I feel, suddenly, like Patricia on the Prowl again).

Lunch w/Bill, Karen, Cris, Beth – very positive & healing. Another one this day. Norma here now. Then, WORK!!!

February 4, 1977

I’ve crossed off a whole page of things to do today. Feeling very entergetic & satisfied w/things – including W! Feel very close w/him again & slowly dawns the realization that I must talk in order for anyone close to me to know my needs – I need to learn patience – and especially, I hope I may learn to give unselfishly & not expect too much of those I love.

Spent an intense 45 minutes w/NCG today. I just poured out female security vibes, or tried to anyway.

It was fun running into W like that today. He is so pleased to see me doing my thing & fitting so well w/him.

Normal liked the pelican!

7 p.m.-ish

I may go dancing tonight, though right now my addled mind is doing its little dance between “where is he?” & “is everything alright?” …whatever “it” is. The usual, I suppose.

I have been rushing through the last part of the V. Woolf biography. I respect her so much, but can’t imagine her thinking that Quentin Bell would be an objective biographer…except, perhaps, she would. He treats her “insanity” from such distances; it seems to me that he misses her mystical qualities. I would not want to read the psychological interpretations of VW’s crazies. She simply wasn’t born in a time when her black spaces would not frighten her!

The other night I dreamed that two of my teeth grew huge & fell out; I handed them, agast, to Daneli, my constant dream companion.

Know I’m relating to VW more than I probably should. Presumptious of me. Still, there is also a relativity in my exploration of literature; particularly as it has been a self-guided tour w/ few hand holds & many falls into total romanticism. I DO NOT read romance novels, however!

Of course I am frustrated about my work. The time off went mostly to social pursuits & play. At this rate, I will never have enough good stuff together for a fall show. The worst of it is my guilty feelings when I see my time squandered, though I suppose it isn’t, really; or is it? (Shouting Libra-like all over the place!) I want to function as an artist and not let myself shunt the work to the background of whatever it is I seek, or by my inability to center. My ability to rationalize is acute. Here I am, writing, when a Bird of Paradise, not to mention my poor, dotty swan, are waiting. Everything is ready, including me: bathed, freshly made-up, casual, ready for anything!

Damn! A letter from Steven today which I feel I should mention (things thought of in the shower to write about). His letter was pretty spaced out & full of horrors about his financial stress. Sent a picture of his house, mentioned his mother & his dog’s operation in the same sentence. Signed it “I love you.”…… oh my.

Feb. 5

Normal has written a beautiful poem. It was laying at the door, weighted down by a large piece of wood. The poem is grand; has a life of its own & would, perhaps have blown away had she not put the wood on it.

I am not educated. Not really. I feel it so intensly when something like this, something I must understand, is presented to me. There is, first, the wonder that anything quite so original & fine could be written down about & given to me. I am honored by its lovliness. The message will come w/further reflection.

I have been thinking about death this morning. Not in fear. Just as a fact. The starlings woke me, finally, & I needed to separate myself from W, though his large warmness did not irritate me today as it does sometimes. The day is overcast; chill. The little black birds (and one large one) are pecking in the grasses next door. I kept watch for the cat because, though the starlings are jittery & kept flying up & off, then returning, the large bird stayed steady, filling herself & only looked up incidentally.

The fire is not raging this morning, though I wish it were…

W was such a lord last night. To get him out of his space w/o so much as a growl (well, a little grumble)! He took me dancing. Even collected some gentlemen to dance w/me! The band was awful & too loud. I still have a headache – from drinking. I’ve decided to quit for awhile. Ric Willis, Michael Wood, Jimbo, Nancy (who left this morning) Barb Norris & Belinda were all there.

W doesn’t dance. His presence is felt though. While at Ric’s he got riled at me – my need for freedom is often hysterical seeming to others, like when I lose modulation & laughter comes pealing. He thought I was laughing at Michael & Nancy & perhaps I was a bit, though it was more at the incongruity of them together than anything mean. Of course, the fantasy of being infatuated w/Ric colored my actions somewhat & W may have picked up on that energy.

Dancing is joyous for me when the music is good. It can be sublime, then. It wasn’t last night. I remembered, dancing, being a white moth in Ashland; feeling so free, so beautiful.

Here is Norma Catherine Gleason then:

Nautilus (Sailor, Ship, Mollusk in a Spiral Shell)

Introduction

It is the ninth letter

the command, the hand which

rarely gives itself. Occasionally

It says, “If I were you,”

but ”I” feels nothing not its own.

And yet, “I” is imaginary, real

as the pairings of nails.

I

In the beginning,

She is radiant.

When she passes

men leave their rooms.

Here the water

is parakeet green.

The anemone, wave-

blown, sultan purple,

extend their tentacles,

the lion sand

lies motionless.

She descends

because her heart is weightless.

II

The night is black,

the sand blue-black

the wave white,

an endlessly recurring

scroll. She holds

the night to her ear

like a shell

and hears,

endlessly approaching,

his car. Her own voice

low & vibrant

as a horn

she cannot hear.

Postscript

He came in from the sea,

looking at her.

She sat filing her nails

in light white as pear.

& moved soft, grub-like

into her prepared chamber,

shutting the door.

NCG 2.4.1977

….and thus is she released, my friend. My old lover.

This feels like a restless day. The only thing I feel I must do is get to D somehow for awhile. And I really must settle into my poor flying swan, which eludes me, so it seems, so endlessly. I don’t want to fuck it up either, which is an ever present possibility.

Ahhhh. The fire crackles. My headache is less consuming. I wonder what the friends are doing & I think of eating. Leaving W warm in my bed to waken alone. Unfair. I would not like it. Such a presence he is at times! (Last night, in the smokey orange light of a pseudo, dirty bar, bedecked splendidly in blue jeans & his glory hair, the king sat, making tidy notes of his subjects behavior. His benevolence a motion in the room. He is obviously lord of his dominion.

2:45 p.m.

I’ve been to see Daneli. Poured out my heart, except, as always, only part, which is so unsufferably frustrating. That there is more for me…the moments w/him more precious but freedom still ringing. Obviously, I must admit that I need him still. The thought of not having him in my life regularly makes me feel ill enough to imagine it should be termed “fear,” this dark twig, tapping in the wind against the pane. Stilling. Then beginning again. I take his saying “I think of travelling….” out of his flow of words (Few. It was my turn this time. His is next; we’ve arranged for it, tentatively, for Monday coming). I’m dealing w/those words now in my very recesses. D travelling….away from me. Frightening. Terrifying.

The car fucked up this morning & it was my fault. I didn’t let it run or warm up enough & she did not like it. Controlled by a machine? Allowed independence (ha!?) because of the car. Can I let it go? The luxury of waiting until I can better afford a princess car…..AAAARRGH! Always! What to do!! Never peace to learn to discipline myself. Perhaps I need to go to the country for awhile. Alone. But where would I go?? Maybe to Ann’s?

The Newport social scene, & my availablity to it, is beginning to bug me, though, of course, I would not change my time w/my friends. I need to be alone for awhile so I can draw. I think I’m going to have Peggy work for me Tuesday  & I’ll hide out all day; a secret day off…sort of exciting.

Today my first visitor was Clay – to borrow the car. He’s watched me put my makeup on twice now – once from the chair in the front room; this a.m. from right next to me, practically. Why don’t I just tell him I need my early wakening privacy?

I miss my pirate today.

Dear Bruno, It was wonderful visiting w/ you today. Good to have you feeling alright holding & hugging me. Sometimes I want to sit you down & explain that I can’t help myself as far as my sexualtiy is concerned. I just have it, that’s all & I feel good w/it ususally. Life is fun & interesting. Adoringly yours, patricia the eternal external maternal groupie.

January 25, 1977

Worked for five hours on the new drawing. I love what seems to be growing from it. The bird feels so good – a strong one with tree trunk feathers. Visitors today were: Ellie & Em the latest. Em was my first visitor today. I’m in love w/her of course. It is exremely flattering when the person you idolize tells you you are her idol. Norma, Pamela, Jimbo, for a second to tell me he was available if I needed to go anywhere. Daneli – a frustrating encounter which I just let go…

Wrote to Thom & Margie right off. A sort of kooky, stoned letter.

I’ve missed W all day & haven’t slept all that well these past few nights. Two. We had a bit of a spat on Sunday evening re: my independence, which I think was alright. Maybe he will pull away now thinking it is safer, easier for him & perhaps he’d be right. Conjecture. Best wait until I see him.

Pamela & Diego are bringing me my dinner…wonder how he’ll react to that?

Darly worked for me today. I am in to this drawing & don’t want to stop, though my neck is stiff. Hope the job at the Inn works out so I can quit Mo’s…maybe.

Told Thom & Margie that I’d not be visiting them until at least the fall. Also mentioned Alten Haus.

Finished Beyond the Bedroom by Woiwode, which I thoroughly enjoyed & turned Em onto.

Now doing the Biography of Virginia Woolf by Bell.

Spent three hours last night fanning the furniture about in here. It seems much roomier; my table is off by itself. Oh for space & an ocean view!!

The wind has picked up…Lord I wish it would rain. We need it so desparately.

Think perhaps Cloud is home from Portland, but maybe not.

January 26th

I am so terribly excited. On the brink of so much that seems positive. I feel I could vomit, sort of. There is much to sort out. Can’t focus on much of anything. My mind flies around, flickering thoughts. A steady drum of “so much to do, so much to do.” I am grateful. I must meet all of the commitments I’ve made of late. My work goes so slowly. Need to be working continually so that I have something to trade & needn’t promise for later.

And now, Alten Haus. Lord, lord, lord. I am trembling to think of the possibilities.

And now, a better job! I can quit the West & just draw all week. I need desperately to be committed to my work. To make it on my work & not have to wait tables, etc. Lordy!

Alten Haus!

__________

Well. Alten is only conditional on several factors so it will not happen for now. It was a $30 phone call – $30 for me that is.  Now, I have to do a drawing of Alten to earn it. Hooray! This is fun. Hope it’s a good one. Walter’s taking me out to dinner so all’s well…..

___________

So much energy…waiting for Walter to come & get me, take me out to dinner, then we plan to make love!

Sometimes potential is so frightening…is it so important to succeed? Is what I envision success?

Romanticize so much yet feel I am equal to the task of making my reality romantic. It is wonderful to be alone – to enjoy myself. I cherish the moments when I allow myself aloneness. Here comes Walter – my eyes may be shit but my bloody ears are wonderful.

January 27

About to go audition for the vaudville show.

Walter took me to Pier 101 last night. Had my first baked oysters & lots of JW Black. Yum. We made wonderful love last night, too. I’m learning to wait for wonder.

Today I got two watercolors done of Alten which show that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing as far as watercolor is concerned. Norma took me to the Whale’s Tale (I was in rare form which probably wierded her out). Then I went to the beach. Pam came down & did cartwheels barefooted & titties showing. Such a beautiful day to draw outside!

Em here this evening to share the sunset hour w/me. We had tea & a joint.

Tomorrow my dearest Ellie has her freedom.

January 29

Diego & Pamela are in love.

Jimbo got up to come visit w/me whicle I wait out the two hours until I have to go back to the Inn to work. I decided to come into town…to W’s house.

Jimbo is telling me about his excesses. He says it doesn’t matter that the lady he slept w/last night doesn’t have a name to him. He forgot it. He looks pretty sly to me. Teasing as we pass the jt.

Thank heaven for ClearEyes!

Jimbo says he expects Texas mail today.

___________

Home again. Thinking about W being in my house tonight while I am away from it.

Still reading Bell’s  bio of Woolf. Enjoying the fantasy of the Bloomsbury/Newport likenesses.

The gas is purring out of the stove. I go to pleasure myself while I wait for the coffee to warm.

January 31st

Fascinated by the Bloomsbury group & with V. Woolf. Last night (the day was so torn up what w/working & being up so early, that I could just lay about drugged & watching). Read a good deal more in her biography. At least my writing improves somewhat when I am figuratively infatuated w/someone – even someone dead.

My thoughts are guarded today. Have a headache still. Brewing water for coffee, writing this as I wait.

So much talk of late of catastrophy – weather wise – any wise, really. People are waiting – at least my peers – w/a sort of wise excitement, as if they know they can make it through whatever comes just by their awareness. Personally, I think this draught – the worst ever in recorded history – is only a small taste of what will come. It will continue to worsen, perhaps, until everyone realizes that, what? That we don’t control ourselves? I don’t know. Something waits. This is just a taste of things to come. My reflection on my father this morning was strangely a link between us, though his radicalism irritates me so much sometimes…frustration in trying to maintain my individuality being so seemingly impossible w/him. He calls it “The Rapture.” Well. Perhaps.

Was so irritable last night & too warm at W’s so I came home to sleep alone. The affection he has for me is wonderful! yet I don’t feel passionate love for him, nor have I. He is a settled man; above all, a man. Stubborn, set in his ways – a one of a kind sort of patriot, though his patriotism is toward his fundamental beliefs rather than toward God-man-country. An enigma of a man – generous to a fault; a king lurks there…one who brooks no insolence. Stubborn. Why this indifference sometimes? pulling back? It confuses me.

It was wonderful to watch my Em glowing in her new, careful love w/Danny (Brown Danny) yesterday. She & Ellie are needing to counsel w/one another badly. There is a strain between them which saddens me – yet it is just part of what they need right now. Amazing the way life turns & turns about us.

Worked w/D the other night. We are wearing our rings on our right hands. I feel utterly blah about this lady he likes. Sadie. Yeech. I haven’t kept quiet about it, either.

Clay rubbed my feet last night. I pretended to be asleep – of course he knew – so we could just continue this unresolved friendship as is awhile longer – w/out sex. I told him I am glad he’s my friend. Found it much easier to relax w/him than I have. Asked him about Darly, which I shouldn’t have, probably, because I did it to remind him that they are a “they” to everyone else. Can’t imagine the wrath if we played awhile. The thing that’s worst, of course, as always, is that I see Darly flipping out, falling in love, & I know that Clay would love her well…so why do I think that he adores me?? I do, that’s all. The domino’s falling. Imagine dominos tossed into the air & dropping, scattered & cockeyed, like leaves. Life is interesting if I can maintain a decent perspective.

The money doesn’t seem to be happening w/the California crew; so what now for Karen & Bill?

Normal visited quickly. Eyes brighter, more relaxed & into it than in several weeks. I am most definitely proud of her.

Wish this writing was not such garbled stuff; wish I could put down all I think. For posterity? For my potential’s sake?

________

Later.

I am a bit drunk. My ass is pressed into the back & side of W’s couch. Only GreyCat understands how I am right now, & he’s rubbing himself on me – he wants food. Food that isn’t stale. W’s bath is running. He’s in his shop, playing w/jewels…”I’ll put my jewels in my trunk,” he says.

He touches me when he thinks of it & walks on by. It’s as if he knows that I prefer the long, drawn-out, teasing love making. Once we fuck it’s over until the next time, so I must allow myself anticipation.

________

Walter sits there ignoring me. His head is poked into a fisherman’s paper. He has the bluest eyes & looks very dirty. He made tomato beer for “his Patricia”… I drink it w/reverence, wondering when I’ll ever find a man who is all attention – who would probably bore me anyway. W is an enigma. What he really is, though, is a pirate, who loves his image; which is what is fascinating. One other thing – he intrigues me in his subtleties. Do I, perhaps, begin to find that simplicity suits me? I know that I am learning about my likes & dislikes.

We went to the bookstore & Clay was lighted up to see me, which was nice, especially since he offered to rub me to ease my head. How funny that W should be the closest & always seems to know just what my limits, before I bolt, are. Well. I don’t know what to think sometimes – just ride it out – ahhhhh – I want to be in love. I love the pursuit of these male entities. I love being lovely & finally appreciating that I have a power in my awareness that I can use to my pleasure & advantage.

The fucker. He knows I want him. He knows I watch him, too. He teases me w/brass beds & beer. I am embarrased (sp!) at my spontaneous giggle because I thought – “he loves me!”

I guess a lot of people do – am I deserving of all these Newportisms? Em said, “take care of that, sweet lady.” Maybe I should have an affair w/a woman. Judy? Normal? Myself? Who am I anyway? Scrawling here, no discipline. Stranger, I wish I were no stranger to myself; that my outpourings made more sense.

Michael was just here, working off his crazies.

 I am infatuated w/everyone, &, the more W avoids my pedestal, the more I cast my gaze on all the others. It’s so easy to get strung out on myself.

Chico – death defying  dog, came in w/Michael. I have a secure feeling because of both of them.

Why do I make excuses for my insecurities? What I need to do is put more dots on the swan of Soma (???). Perhaps mushrooms? Oh Gods!

___________

It is appropriate that I finish out the month, drunk, stoned, & wearing (by choice) W’s hat & bracelet & wondering (in red) whether or not I still turn him on – or – whether my indulgences (many & varied) will drive him away. He drinks so much more than I do! I see him there, sitting w/his lovely blue eyes turned down toward Men, Ships, The Sea, or some such.

Avoiding me? YUP.

Oh lordy am I loaded! I watch his feet twitch & wonder (could it be?) if he’ll make love to me tonight.

Pam touching me…I was turned on…Sadie moving in for the kill.

D, are you as lonely as I tonight?

February 1, 1977

I was hungover this morning but I felt really fine all day. Now, because I won’t have Walter to myself – again – I am feeling glum. I don’t feel very grown up. I do feel a trifle silly. Have observed lately a tendency away from myself & I don’t like it. W doesn’t make love to me enough – is not romantic as often as I’d like. I need the soft caresses, the tender words, the raging appetites. I have to go on my own assumptions w/him; have to try to figure out what goes on w/him &, ususally, I do sense that he really cares for me alot; but he doesn’t tell me. He takes it for granted that I’m smart enough to know he wouldn’t be w/me….

We went to Andre’s, & this horror called W “honey.” I didn’t say anything (!) except to myself & even then I flashed an excuse, but she was yecch! He didn’t say anything either. Then we get home & I’m looking forward to, hopefully, a romantic evening, & Nancy’s here! I have nothing against Nancy. I’ve only known her briefly, when she lived here before. I liked her, too. But – I am not willing to sit around while they have so much to say to each other. I just sit there – uk! W will probably be mad, but I don’t care at this point. I might later, but for right now, I’m letting all of my bitchy feelings flow & the hell w/them!

I’m going to this Art Guild thing tonight – so I’m saved from having to sit here & stew – feel sorry for myself or whatever it is that I do!

I am jealous – of all the stupid, vapid, childish —

Feb 2

I am furious. Feel abandoned & underneath reality – left out – alone. Continu-um, childish, jealousy w/no reason except that I am just wierd right now, so I guess I’ll hibernate the day away.

W didn’t go fishing & his truck is nowhere to be found, so I don’t know what happened to him. We made love last night & it was a closer feeling than I’ve had w/him in a long while (at least a week).

Writing down my crass idiocy – at least reflecting on my thoughts & actions is pretty laughable & the best therapy I can imagine. I had images of W crawling into bed w/Nancy after leaving me this a.m., then I went back to sleep & dreamed I lost two of my teeth in a strange, Moorish type place. I watched myself laugh & the holes didn’t show – gave the teeth to someone – D? Where is he anyway? Could sure use a visit from him today.

pm

Attended Barbara Norris’s birthday party for awhile tonight. For the record, it does not please me to come home & find Nancy & W tete a tete….ok….however you spell it. The conversation stopped when I came in, the last word I heard Nancy saying was “She…” my female wrath is up & wanted to call her out! She’s thinking about going to Corvallis w/us tomorrow – how nice…Fuck!

1:30 a.m. Thursday 3 Feb

Wide awake & frustrated. Here I am, free, bare, & not even a caress – a gentle bit of loving – what good is being w/someone if I must feel this frustration!! Again! It was enough w/Danny…to make me leave…here I am again, & speechless w/it. Not saying, “I don’t like it! Sorry, but I don’t!” Not that his response would help matters because I don’t suppose he can help it, but it sure doesn’t say much for the future of our relationship. Not to mention the fact that his taciturn-acity makes it incredibly difficult for me to talk to him about this & try to reach some sort of rhythm. We humans are so conditioned to no communication, to expecting things to just come naturally, w/no effort, that we don’t try to overcome difficulties. I’m no exception, having been burned by the heat of the fire so often. But what am I to do, then?

I can’t even get off on myself because he might waken & I’d be embarressed.

The entire episode w/Nancy has been a drag. She seems so false somehow to me, though I’m sure she’s sweet as cream. Her neat way of saying she’d go w/us tomorrow galled me no end & that fact that W asked if I minded & then me laying there mentally answering him, but saying nothing, was extremely interesting as well. I wanted to say, “Yes, I mind!” I don’t like driving in cars w/people I don’t know well – let alone w/someone who has spent a lot of time w/my present lover & consequently has a lot to say to him, most of which doesn’t interest me after the first “Remember when?” Ugh!

Naturally, (I suppose it’s natural for me) I then – more mental exercising – proceed to rationalize my negative answer w/ “She’s probably quite nice” but, you dolt! I was again, selfishly (?) looking forward to being w/you & playing. It is kind of (?) difficult for me to feel the anticipation I felt, when it’s been taken from W & P to W, P & Nancy. Well – she’ll sit in the back & I’ll drive & I will probably be quite rude and piss you off, which will piss me off.

Personally, from the few scintillating moments I’ve spent w/her, she seems to have a mawkish look about her; I can’t see what she came down for other than W; the sentences “I’ve been thinking alot about Texas” and “Come to Wenachee when you feel like it” (w/comforting tones no less?) &, of course, the quite adorable flattening of the cards (to placate?) have not endeared dear Nancy to me. It would be absurd to counter w/ “aha! Jealousy!” for obvious reasons. Irritating – a lot. It’s hard enough w/out impertinent ex lovers! Wonder how he’d fare if the tables were turned. Of course, he wouldn’t even come over when D was here!

Well. Here I am. Alone at last at 2 am. Just dying to crawl into bed w/him. Where oh where is there a lover who understands me & cares enough to enact his caring ways? Margie had hers – has hers – I know they exist. I’m bored w/ – no. Not bored. But not stimulated enough either & frustrated by another SILENT MALE! Shit! They seem to either talk too much, or not enough. Or, they don’t say the right things if they do talk. So much variety & I am damn particular. When I do fall in love it’s w/someone who fits in lots of ways, as we’ve seen…He takes me places – spends money around me & sometimes on me, though ususally practically. He likes me alot, but he is stubborn as all hell & set in his ways, pretty much. Unapproachabe sometimes; stoic…I never, hardly ever, know where he’s at and I want to. I want to if I’m w/him anyway. The relationship will get more casual eventually & I’ll hurt him because of sex – perhaps. Probably, if we don’t start talking soon.

Probably try Em for advice. Hers is usually sound.

The wind is blowing from the East tonight…this morning. Now I’ll be tired this day because I’m up so late. Sleeping until 10 a.m. yesterday threw me off.

Why is there a car starting up outside? Someone spying? Necking? It is disconcerting & makes me most uncomfortable. A dog is barking a block or so away. The clock ticks gently in the kitchen…why would anyone be out there at this time of night?

I actually worked on the big drawing, finished a simple wash/ink for Barb Norris, finished a pelican, which I’m quite satisfied w/ for just two or so – three perhaps – hours work. Also looked through the books again & sketched a Bird of Paradise for a small drawing. Plan a black swan to finish in one sitting as a trade for Blair’s scrimshaw. So it was quite a productive, quite a strange, day.

The car noise is still there, so I’m going to turn the light off & peek, have some cookies, read a bit more Woolf, & go back to bed. The moon is so bright tonight the world seems spectral from the window.

10 a.m.

Morning coffee. W & I are going to Corvallis this day for some fun. I woke up early, watching the sky pink up for the new day. Full moon in Leo & I’m just as horny as can be…not a caress one this morning. I can save it up or get it over w/while I have him to myself w/no other immenent distractions; but, I have to talk to him sometime, about our love making.

Sometimes it seems that I must be ridiculous; that I’m forcing myself into (out of) security?? Oh my. These things have a way of being resolved. Don’t they?

10 p.m.

We, W & I, are listening to music – Chick Corea, Keith Jarrett – the Kohn Concerts; the Chick Corea I’ll mention again. I haven’t got the name nearby, but it is marvelous. I love having the music enter me. I close myself into it; my eyelids down against the light. I feel extremely sensitive tonight.

I drove to Corvallis this morning. We left around 10:30 or so (Nancy decided to stay one more day) & I took my car. This was the first time I’ve felt really confident of the cars’ performance.

It was a winter-crisp day. Full of light airs. We drove round & round the campus while I tried to find the way to the bookstore. I imaged that W would get as irritated as I’m wont to myself, but he told me that “no, he’d never been on those (many & varied) street.”

On the way over I smoked 3 jts & was able to tell him that I’m not satisfied w/our sex. I said that it was just fucking, really, that I don’t need to all the time, but that I do need more “physical affection.” I said I wasn’t trying to change him, but that I thought he should be aware that I was processing feelings of freedom & the lack of communication, too.

Of course, as I spoke these things, I was aware of him processing in his rather lordly way. He makes me laugh w/his baroque provincalism – yet, he is sophisticated & intelligent. He is also stubborn, quick minded; has a lot of habits that remind me of my father, which, I’m afraid, is hard, because I don’t like to be reminded of him in a lover.

Walter is quite grand sometimes. In certain clothes, he takes my breath away, he looks so royal. Dark colors – plain black turtlenecks & grey or dark brown cords. He’d never do it w/consistency, though…the Leo flamboyance. He also looks majestic lying down in bed. His torso & back are large & strong. His body is very warm; I can’t lie too close to him because we are sticky quickly.

He irritates me sometimes. When he smokes & tastes bad. He drinks beer from noon until he goes to bed…sometimes wine, too. It is excessive & is making him fat, which doesn’t bother me as it did, but sometimes, again in certain clothes, it appalls me. Right now he is smacking his lips & picking his teeth of sunflower seeds & I could scream at him. I don’t know about these feelings – I just know I feel ripped off in my own space when he smokes cigs for an evening.

Again, I go back to him still being here & if I’m as indecisive as all that, why not discontinue the relationship? Is it ridiculous to be irritate by these “small” things?

On the drive home I thought about Woolf again. Her “madness.” I’ve wondered about my own particular madnesses for several years now. Is it rationalization to think of them as insecurites?

The hustle & bustle of Corvallis got to me right away. After the bookstore, (I bought boxes & 3×5 cards in tie envelopes, & a desk brush! Extravagance!) W bought me presents (besides gas & two splendid meals): a good T-square & a triangle! Heaven. We ate at the place across from the police station. A pimply, scarred, very short haired young man from Michigan waited on us. W seemed to overwhelm him a bit, & my asking where the “Mole Hole” was didn’t help matters; especially since it’s actually called the “Hobbit” Hole. I was embaressed, too. I had French toast & an egg & coffee & ate every morsel, garnish included.

The Hobbit Hole provided us merry entertainment, an awful record by Tom & Teresa, & for me, a new roller. I spent money I don’t have today. The rent is overdue for the first time since I’ve lived alone. I owe more money than I should, so I really have to stay on at Mo’s for awhile. It’ll do me good to get out of debt so I can start paying myself.

You know, I notice so often it’s just the sad, awful, “deal w/it” things that I put down. There are more good moments, when I allow them, w/W, than I can say. Perhaps I am too critical & set in my own ways stubborn, just like he is. Heh. Heh.

Ican’t help it though…& I’m not changing myself to appease what I imagine him or anyone, to be dealing w/. I can’t accept always. My space is raped sometimes. I want things men can provide, but I don’t always want the men. And that’s not fair – by some standards, I’m sure. I am trying to be fair – except, probably, to myself.

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang & Sweet Kisses on my neck, then more, then, suddenly, the pugent odour of mums & daffodils on my desk. I’ll take my orange to bed & look at him while the music plays. It’s the only way to discovery.

“Ric” also mentioned, is Rick Bartow, the famed sculptor and painter.

Oh what tangled webs! More later.

Dec 1, 1976

Last night I cried w/ my dear friend Dennis J holding me. I cannot imagine what he felt. I hope he understood – I’m sure I don’t. Except that it was a great release…. Margie going, my confusion about all these men! D so questioning; so many pent up emotions.

The Sea Lady (?) is going well. I’d better not smear this fucker.

Letter from Marcia, Stephen (bless him) my folks (I was “harsh”) but I feel 33 in my dealings w/ them for a change!

Work today – Walt home tomorrow??

Dec. 4th 1976

I left & came home last night, too.

Dennis M is one of the most dynamic individuals I’ve met in a long time. He seems to fit a lot of my empty niches, & yet… so does Walter.

What does it mean that I go out repeatedly this night & look at the moon? It is hiding. Shrouded in fog. The air feels chill & I imagine how cold it must be for Walter. I try to visualize the boat on the water, gazing all the while, through the lines, the wires, at the moon gleaming behind that cloud. I asked for it. My loins are throbbing! I relate then, finally, to Lawrence in The Rainbow.

It is warm in the house. The stove has been going most of the afternoon. I have played & played Jimmy Buffet & A -1-A; over & over. Now the record player is going around busily. . .I sit, nearby, too intrigued with the words to put them down.

My senses, my mind, my very spirit seems to be in a dither. Males. Love. Rejection. How do they treat me? . . .their personalities. I do not want to be tied down to any one man right now. I don’t think I do, yet part of me -  always those words. Why am I so separated? Where is my Self? I so seldom sense my own presence. I see my hands, my feet, my arms, my knees; hips. I feel my eyes burning; my tongue & teeth on my lips. I am aware of my vagina. The fullness of my belly: the craving for food. My ears prick up at every car sound. I am aware of each movement beyond the house. I can hear.

My mind flits to DM & I say, “hello” & ponder a late visit & walk. Know I’ll just go to bed for pleasure w/ myself.

Annie said yesterday to make myself aware of my woman-ness – one w/ the sea – Mother ocean. The power of the female spirit.

Today, Drake cut my hair. When his hand touched my neck it felt like a bird wing laid there. The hair is short. Like a nun’s. I see a young boy. I do not feel regally beautiful but I am glad of it.  I am looking for positive reality. . .an awareness of what I’m doing. I do not intend to get lost in a relationship again. I must continually remind myself that I do lose myself. I do get bored. I have to hold back from being w/ one person -  do I? Like Den J? He absolutely rejected me – at least enough for me to realise that he was not going to fall madly in love w/ me which, of course, predictably, made me want him. So – I have to let him go… If I keep it up with Walter – & it does feel good as long as I don’t need to live w/ him…He is incredibly sensitive. I am wary of him when I am w/ him.

Dennis M is the best lay I’ve every had. So far. Now put that w/ what Diane said yesterday & you have:

Two Step: (note: there is a little drawing here of three sets of feet; two shod, one barefoot)

hmmmmmmmmmmm

6 red roses stuck on my door….now who??? ….???? Walter—-

Dec 9th

This is one of those days when to approach these pages takes a bit of doing. But, by the same token, I need the release…I feel one of those fucking insecure bummers coming on . . . all I need now is for Daneli to show up & pull the rug out. I got a ticket today – the piece of paper, a vile yellow, says it will cost $27.00, but, I’m told if I go to court it will be less just because you show up. It pays to be humiliated I guess…I was doing 38 in a 25 zone & there aren’t any excuses…that, w/ the $30 ticket from Portland didn’t help. ZAP!

Letter from Normal today, which was wonderful -  she sounds fine to me. Good to hear from her, too. Also heard from Di & Ric in the Yukon. She sounds really happy.

My feelings for Walter are very strong, of course – the pattern is nice because he is so very nice. The intensity of my sexual feelings for him are a little overwhelming. I am learning to let myself relax more; to feel more, w/ him. I think. But, mostly, I don’t want to have a permanent, steady, relationship w/ him, though who’s to say about such things…It is so confusing this – unknown everything.

I just flashed that I should go & see Demetria ——

Sometimes there is such an aura of power about Walter (& then I must deal w/ the physical thing). I pull back to my freedom. I pull back to my freedom. I pull back to my freedom.

12.10.76

This is an interesting development…I am feeling a bit hemmed in by my feeling w/Walter. I am not being as straight w/him as I’d like to be & I can’t figure out why, except that he feels like security & I am dancing – also – I can’t settle – this isn’t it – only a tiny part. Ahhhhh Shit!

12/13

It is amazing to me that Karma works – after the humiliation of traffic court & a $17.00 crunch, I go to the post office to pick up my registered whatever & it turns out to be a box of Swiss chocolates from the candy company I wrote! Not to mention that Daneli came over this am & made me feel good, too. I wanted to see him a lot.

I’m going away for a few days w/Walter. I feel good about life right now.

Miss Margie like crazy though.

(Note: There are four faded red rose petals between the pages here.)

Christmas Eve

I stare into the blue eyes,

Into the brown & green

Into my own.

The ocean is grey as slate today. I feel. . .gone somewhere. Missing Daneli alot but wonder how it would be if he were here. I chase the dreams of security. The kisses & the tears all follow.

Walter practices patience. He comes in close only when he needs to – they all do.

Christmas Eve & the tears too near the surface for me to survive my own emotionalism. The gifts are given; received. My heart is never still anymore. My brain seeks further & other messes, w/so little focusing that I don’t know where this bird will land. Next month I’m giving to myself – lots of art – lots of time alone – maybe a trip somewhere for a day or so.

There are too many feelings I don’t understand. There is no cohesive thought, no self-awareness. I just want to know what, who, I am.

I am still then. The waters come & go; the moods, the cycles. I am tired to death of seeking for SOMETHING! I don’t even know what I’m looking for – the greatest love?

Well…W isn’t giving up. I don’t think he will freak out or push away as fast – he cares for me. Only why is it so hard for me to believe anyone cares for me? Because I don’t know me? I’m learning though…the only answer I have is somewhere inside. There has to be an end to consistent cyclic turmoil.

I want to draw dreams, to draw crows & tigers. Learn to silkscreen next, when I can afford it.

Walter has a lion’s head – a lion’s heart; awfully strong; awfully sure.

I am aware that I want men to love me – to be in love w/me. Conquests as it were. I am trying to learn my way out of that one. Quit thinking of myself as powerful, as all encompassingly great & lover-ly. What I am is a cold, stone bitch w/ the blues.

New Year’s Day Evening January 1, 1977

It’s raining. It must be awfully cold on the ocean, poor W. I hope he’s warm & dry…& thinking about me.

Bonnie & Bob & Clay were my visitors today. Had breakfast at the Whale’s Tale w/Em, Ellie, Carol & Ric. Nice, sort of laughing morning. Then I cleaned out a lot of stuff from the kitchen so it’s not as cluttered & hopefully, after a few letters & perhaps a chapter or two in The Silver Oar, I’ll get a new drawing started. A cheetah again, this time for Elaine.

The gardenia came from Jan Thomas, though I can’t fathom why she’d send it to me unless it was Val who sent it, which would make it super.

No resolutions. Just keep on keeping on.

I miss W, though I hope the fish are there & everything is alright.

This is a settled sort of feeling: knowing he loves me & could love me more; that the beginning is good. I can’t imagine living w/him yet, though it may come to that.

Interesting, these men. This is such an amazing little town. Such a hodgepodge of crazies!

Journal keeping seems like such an effort right now.

Later: Ray came over to see how I was doing. He is lovely. Like a sweet faced cherub w/greying hair & those beautiful eyes. He shares my love of stationary stuffs; a dear, good, friend. I can imagine us in some life past, sharing tea on a green bowling lawn. He, dapper in white linen, me reclining in voile while Diane plays croquet roguishly on the lawn w/some dear boy or other. Maybe I was their mother, eh?

Thoughts to W. Lots of them. It did Clay no good to sit & stare, to watch me so much while he dried his boots.

I am a loyal lady.

January 12, 1977

It seems to be true that time rushes by more quickly the older one gets. I certainly don’t know what happened to last year. It was eventful certainly.

Am reading From the Bedroom Window by Woiwode. Read Cape Horn Breed, Descent of Woman & Story of O recently.

Waiting for Pam to come shuttle me around. Cloud is sick, dammit. That God for dear W who will bail me out of this one. By the time summer comes I’m going to owe all the money I’ll earn!

Things are going well. I continue to fulfill my several fantasies &, somehow, maintain my happy state more often than not. It is so easy here in Newport w/all these dear friends around. The women in my life all seem so incredibly beautiful & sensitive & I am more aware of my own growth from observation of them. Emily especially. I like her for her lovely honesty.

Pam here….later!

______________

Rain & drizzle. It’s thick today. I seem to be window watching again…waiting for someone to come?

Work today was ok. Cliff came out & I mentioned Walter to him so he’d know where I stand on the sex trip. He has such energy & I know we’d enjoy each other. It’s better this way though; the test of time & all.

My car is fucked up & will cost more than I have to fix it. I feel like I am in debt more than I can (or want) to pay right now so the prospect of going farther ($ to W no less) has me less than thrilled though I am spending at my usual rate…well, less than ususal perhaps, but, spending. Bought the chair I’ve wanted for so long at Ariel today. For my drawing table. It’s a stool w/a back. My cards (thanks to Cliff) paid for $4.oo of it.

Went over to see if Jimbo had beer & he said Ellie, Karen, & Pam are all looking for me so that’s who I’m looking for now out the window. God my wood stash & kindling done & the fire’s going so it’s nice in here…which is not to say much. I am in a snit. I fucking hate money hassles. It stands to reason that I should have a lot of it & not have to worry about stupid shit like cars needing repair. I should have enough ot give to everyone – just – oh fuck that.

It’s been neat having Rufus (dear dog) here again – or at least w/me. He’s never stayed here before. I can’t imagine what he thinks of all this – worried about Daneli – all that snow. I think about him so much & when I do see him it has been lovely. Hope all is well & that his trip to Oklahoma is safe. Wish he’d write or call or something though.

Walter was funny this morning. Had breakfast in the Bay Haven w/Pam & Michael & he came in while I was talking to the car place on the phone. I was glad to see him but he was too taciturn for my liking so I got angry & left. I expect too much of my men. Oft repeated, but here it is again, as a reminder to myself: I want their constant, admiring attention, & though there are admirable traits, it is a bit much to expect them to be totally adoring all the time, which I seem to do. I expect too much of them & not enough of myself.

Diego! Birds, feathers, plants, candles, lots of places to lie down; rich, warm colors, baubles in windows & finally, the wisdom of my years tells me to forget it. Forget it! It was an interesting, sexy interlude & he’s probably forgotten all about it. One of those impossible men who loves loving, but no settling. Forget it Patricia.

My throat is sore. I’m not bummed out, I just feel angry – trapped by $ again. Shit! Why aren’t I – we all – rich? Just as much as we need at least – oof – I have just as much as I need, I guess. Guru. Guru. Guru.

One pink flamingo feather later….

_________

The new chair has a comfortable squeak. No one has come by. I wonder if I’m in my morbid cycle now – & how does that work I wonder? No period since Oct. so perhaps I’m due.

Wish I had enough balls to write down all the things I think about – like men – the women, the curves that move in my life. Like – I’ve been thinking about Diego since I saw him Sat. night – off & on – in between W’s due. W who is so wonderful. Who’s not had his just due in the past pages. He is not the one though – to inspire confidence all the time…(this chair is too high; my legs are falling asleep!)

The thing I have to try & work w/ is that no one is – that only I am. I deal w/so much frustration that I create, it seems, so easily.

Well. The Feather Man.

There was a space between his front teeth & a small bit of thickening at his waist, but so slight, & the rest so beautiful. It isn’t fair to mention it.

I liked him touching me – reassuring me as he came back, now & again, from Pam, from Em, from all the pretty faces.

He dances like an Indian preparing for joyfulness. He looks around alot & flies off – zip – a flash of feather and he’s gone. To pee, or flirt, or watch to see if you’re looking.

Every woman in town is in love with him & if they say they aren’t it’s only because they haven’t seen him, or been touched by him somehow, yet.

He is beautiful.

Jan 13

Karma – pure & simple. I’m writing all this beautiful shit & W comes in, scares me to fucking death & all those blasted damn insecurities kept getting more & more intense that that, what w/all the various & sundry goings on of last evening, I had a tantrum, which he mistook for me being upset because he got too drunk to fuck me! Then, this morning, I literally wallowed in the non-strength, instead of laughing.

I am learning though. AM I? Do we? Ever? I hate it that there is confusion between us & that the romance seems to have settled into acceptance already…or….do I just imagine too much, demand too much. I am crazy! Why don’t I just leave things a-fucking-lone!

Wish D was back. Can’t depend on him forever, though, right? That was the point of my leaving – to learn about myself & grow & get my own shit together – at least to find out what it is that I am!

Feathers!

Waiting again, for Pam to come take me to work. She’s here…

Jan 14

Song for Katy by B.W. Stevenson & adapted by me.

I’m just like the sunlight

that shines through your window,

I’m as free as the fall wind blows.

I’ll give you peace,

just like the snowfall.

At times I’m not sure

if you’re real at all.

I flow like the river

I love like a saint

I care, I’m a giver

My heart has been stained.

Something is going to be wrong

if I can’t be strong

when you’re gone

I’ll be missing you’re song.

I’ll help you in sorrow

I’ll snare you in tears

I’ll give you tomorrow

I’ll strengthen your years.

You’ll be my lover

and you’ll return.

I guess we’ll get lost

in the flame that love burns.

January 20, 1977

It’s 2am & I’ve just spent an awfully wierd night having a “good” time in Newport. Pamela & I (Sadie, whom I’ve yet to meet, never showed) went to the Pub & laid out 16, waited to see if anything interesting happened (it didn’t) then went out & fetched up Rosso & Dean & the four of us went back to the Pub, then to Jake’s & had water…gad it was dead…except for Dean, who was fun. Ross is young & doesn’t charm me so much now. Everywhere we went the whole night Pam & I are tossing around the featherman. Pam is with him now, to “talk.” I danced & danced & it didn’t matter, none of it, because Walter’s somewhere & he loves me. I can count on his steadfastness! At something before 2, I split & went to the house. He wasn’t there so I went to the docks & kissed him goodbye. I hope it was good for him; hope it gave him something better to think about than me being out. He is good to me, so it’s nice to give him what he needs. Jimbo, Dennis Jones, Ric at the Pub. Diego wondering, the Featherman so pretty, but so, so far away. I think he really likes Pam best. Think he’ll hurt her, too, because she is so vulnerable. Finding out I’m not even fucking Diego (sorry sweetie) was hurtful. He called me a watch dog. Last time I try to soothe for awhile.

Recluse to art. I hope this weekend pleases the gods.

Walter’s smile just wonderful. He was so glad to see me. Ah…..I feel better now. (I had tears in me because of off this hoping for folks to be happy, then D says a shitty thing like Watch Dog? Pamela made excuses for his loadedness so I felt hurt & went to my bed & my thoughts of other mornings coming.

Letter from Thom & M made me so happy today. So happy.

November 17th

Funny. To end a page like that … suddenly. I can’t remember why or who interrupted me…Dennis probably. The major share of my emotional space this week has been dealing w/him. Our sex has been wonderful – and he’s perfect for having a relationship w/ if I can’t stop wishing for him to be more demonstrative; more into me. (The wooing is fun. The falling in love is fun.) Today I cried because he fucked me then got up so quickly. He wasn’t into being languid & I was. (I don’t know about the relationship part though – especially w/ a person like Den – he’s so much like me, yet he’s so male in it.)

M is here. She came in tucked over a surprise yesterday; a grin & a giggle dancing all around her. God! She is so beautiful! Her Ashland adventure has added a spiritual dimension that makes her glow so…& she’s in love w/ a young man but so incredibly in love w/ Thom, too; I am in awe of her. It scares me when I look at the blackness of my future; a blackness I can fold into…

Of course I’m afraid.

Not sure of what though.

Essay: My Attitude W/ Men: Focused. Sexual. Demanding.

Pretty wierd. I say I want space but I allow the space its limitations. I want to be loved in such an idealogical, romantically perfected way. W/adoration, fondness, respect, gentleness, grace. By someone sensitive.

There are so many men. Yet, I’m dissatisfied w/ them because they don’t want me the way I want them to. The pretty face becomes just that – a pretty face, that they get used to, and when they get used to it, they don’t praise it anymore…….

Damn! I don’t want to do this w/ Dennis! I know bloody well he doesn’t want me, either. He’ll keep backing off…do I do this on purpose? Subconciously, I go into these affairs so blithely, as if I can handle it! I ought to know by now that I seem so serious because I am so serious about loving.

Have to eat & draw some more.

Nov 15

When I am the most open, out front, honest…I enjoy myself most.

Dennis is amazingly, infallibly accurate in his truths. I fluctuate in my thinking about him – as to whether or not I should be w/ him. I’d like to learn to be as mature in my relationships w/ men as I think I am…

Nov. 20

Went hunting today with Dennis. It was lovely in the woods; best overlooking the ocean from the grassy places. We were easily together & I enjoyed being w/him.

Tonight I am feeling those old nervous, seemingly insolvable feelings that probably boil down to self pity. I am wanting to be w/ Den, which means I have a growing dependence on him which, he has told me, he can’t handle right now. We are both able to reach out verbally to the other, though I must, usually, initiate w/ my feelings laid bare. As soon as I am open w/ him, (taking a chance of rejection) he is instantly there.

I don’t know if I can be as independent as both he (& I?) would like. My tendency is always to follow so closely that I lose myself, which, of course, means that, then, in order to regain myself, I must w/draw from the man I choose to follow…

I don’t know how Norma can say that my childhood is unimportant and must be forgotten. I don’t see how I can understand myself or the “whys” of who I am until I can understand those first missing years. Not to mention the chaos that the rest, the memorable, was. The only real way I have of dealing w/ the confusion is to be able to talk about it…

Den said, hold my face tenderly, “You know, there are no Prince Charmings left. That’s for youth.” Funnyt how he should say that, how he always does try to make me feel good, (he has so far), & yet he still keeps his perspective. Said he would’ve really messed up my head a year ago, but that he’s nicer now. That’s because he’s no longer bitter about Ceil leaving him. He holds himself off – takes his time.

I am having to deal w/ Christmas & Thanksgiving now & it is very hard. Den will be gone for both. At Christmas he’ll go to see Heidi in Seattle. I come to realize, slowly, that my friends don’t stay w/me. I take too much out of them & leave them drained & hurting. I have never known a single person well. Not in the past 4 -5 years, if that. &, of course, since it has been but two weeks for us, I can’t expect Dennis to drop his life & come running simply because his new lover is fearing her lonely holiday.

The tears come. They well up, filling my eyes, making them feel hard. With edges. I want the release crying brings but not the horrible aching, echoing back & forth of my mental chambers. So I pull back. Because half of crying is being held & rocked & comforted by those loving arms.

I do not want an empty life.

My instincts are to mate – to share, to give love & take it.

I am so afraid of confronting my lonliness. I am not certain that I would wish to be totally willing to accept myself & deal w/ myself all alone w/no input from anyone,. That would cut off my circulation pitably I’m afraid.

Well – Prince Charming died – but Dennis is pure gold inside & will do, as he is. I’m thankful to him right now.

Oh. I stood up Beggar’s Opera today. I felt so crunched when I went out there last night – all the wind gone from my sails again. So  I didn’t show up there last night or tonight, which is one of my old tricks – just poof! ending something because of its wierdness. I am sure that they are hurt & wondering & of course, the truth is that my ego was smashed to hell & gone so I retaliate by absenting myself from their space. I am a hard, callous, fearful fool. My eyes want to die in crying. My soul is gone for the day.

Dear Dennis was so kind & he does know where I am.

Thought of Lillian Hellman & her Helmut today….

Den said that the things people think & never say are the wonderful things – I should tell him of my night wanderings only I fear mentally ripping him off, which is absurd.

Amazing how I always end up writing about myself, my men, my foolishness.

November 23

Today I wrote my parents a very blunt letter. It did not convey a sense of familial anything. It was bitter, harsh, unemotional. It said that since they have never supported me in a way I am able to understand or accept (paradox again – when only half of me sees it this way! the other half takes the objective view, sez “by who’s definition?”) I am cloudy on these issues. Is it true? Is any of it true or does it just remain itself. The Isness.

I also was given a gift/loan by my dear Norma which enables me to somehow proceed…financially. I am a wrecked ship most of the time & it brings me way down.

Dora said I was to have 2 more things happen to me tonight. Two more groovy things she said. The first was fried chicken. I got to work & there she was, frying chicken! Just for me, too, she said, which made it even more delicious. Then she has Kris come in because she thought we’d be really busy so I didn’t have to do dishes at all. And – there was a new vaccum, which was sorely needed. In other words, I had a fine day.

I got emotional over money but Norma helped that. It hasn’t changed much, it’s still there, but at least I have a start.

Dan came over for an errand for Jeff. Now it hurts me to see him. This whole bitterness w/ the money trip is awful. I realize there is no escape from a divorce, so I’m going to have to see about it. I want to be friends w/ Danny but his bitterness is forcing this financial unreality & I have to get clear of it. So there will be an accounting & it will be another divorce. The shits.

If I ever marry again it will be truly amazing. I’ll have to have a star on my door for sure then!

Thanksgiving Day 1976

It is odd to be alone on waking. My mind usually goes immediately to Danny. This morning I thought of Dennis. There is a poignancy in reflection, in the mental tossing & turnings.

After Den left last evening w/ Mariah & Joel excited to be using my car (who knows what he was thinking!) D came over. At first we dealt w/ our mutual hostility. He is not disturbed by his anger, tho I still retreat, scuttling quickly under the nearest leaf, knowing I could still be smashed, but feeling better about talking to him. We’ve worked it out, for the time being anyway. God! I love him so much! He brings tears w/ him though – we are so sad to love each other so…

Reflecting in my warm bed, gazing past the black swan, past the garden next door, past the Gilmore to my small stretch of sea & Yaquina Head w/ the lighthouse hidden in the mists. I decide that for my own sake I must temper how I am beginning to feel about Den – dammit. If I don’t back off, at least internally, I’ll be lost again because he isn’ts ready for a commitment beyond the present looseness. And,  I must be alone else how am I to learn to be strong all the time?

Thanksgiving at dearest Ross’ house. “15 turkeys,” he said, “and one peacock!” I’m going to eat my shrooms today and concentrate on anything but Den. I know he’d approve. Also, decide whether or not to go to Portland to see Bill – probably not. There is a drawing begun. A sea dragon for Walter.

The pies came out beautifully. I’m thinking about going to the beach because I’m starting to come on to the mushrooms.

I don’t know why I can’t be satisfied with D’s love of me. I think in secret places, that I want someone to love me in a special way – the Prince Charming way, I suppose. I don’t understand my need for adoration…I eat them up, take all I can get, then throw them away.

I feel like I’ve severed all the umbilicals left. Part of me feels that I don’t deserve to make it – to have people love me because I’ve hurt so many, so often. Especially lately. My selfish way of surviving – I don’t deserve anything but shit at this point. It’s only when you give – w/honesty – that you get.

Nov 30

Margie just left for God knows how long. I feel empty & sort of in shock but I know that our friendship will endure as long as we live. It is wonderful to know something like that – beyond all doubt. Too numb to write more.

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The house looks wonderful. The moon these past nights has been growing toward the full. It has been clear & cold for days now. More than I can remember.

I have been thinking a lot of Walter today. I seem more coherent to myself than I ususally do – clearer.

I still have tho, to deal w/ myself & the other men I know.

I think of my feelings, about my feelings, of my potential sometimes. I wonder…

When I’ve been away so long there seems to be an overwhelming amount of catching up to do which I’m not into today.

Spent the night at Otter Crest last night with the Beggar’s Opera: Rindy & Marv Ross, Maurice & Blaine. Maurice & Blaine & I toured the moon, the beach, the cave, the sea. It was wonderful to be so tremblingly full of energy. . . to feel their warmth & friendship. Blaine & I wondering about being in love for awhile – & him eing married. Maurie & I enjoying the intellectual stimulus. The memories are wonderful. . .the potential of all kinds of things keep rollin’ on along.

________________

They sat over coffee. Next to her cup lay the small stack of empty sugar packets. Little buckets of plastic cream tipped this way & that, a pathway between them.

She picked hurriedly with her eyes through the Sunday funnies, the restaurant sounds seemed staccato; too loud. The crows, coming & going, on the lawn outside distracted her. One huge black bird lept from the log fence.

They looked at each other, she and the man across from her, their mouths parted – he spoke of. . .the past – the future; of perhaps. . .